So I haven’t really been writing like I usually do and I just felt the need to explain a little. I don’t want to leave you hanging and I don’t want you to worry. When I started this blog, I promised an entry a week, but things have, well, changed.
I have a new baby. She’s three months old, that’s still new in my book. So we are still figuring each other out. I’m still wondering if the formula she’s on is right. Is she starting to teeth already? WHY WON’T SHE JUST FALL ASLEEP?! You know, things like that. We don’t have a great schedule just yet, things are kinda up in the air. And for that reason, she’s still new to me.
Every time I have a baby, I feel like I “lose” myself. I feel like I’m not the old Amy I was. And you know what, I’m not. When it was just Paul and I, I was different. I was independent, I went where I wanted. I could work out every day. I could spend money on silly things. I had time for friends and date nights were every night.
Then I had a child, and that person I used to be was no longer there. It couldn’t be. I now had to learn how to have a human being with me at all times. I had to think about my husband more, and make sure he was still being loved well by me too. I had to fight to get my body back in shape. I had to always put someone else’s needs above my own.
I went through the transformation to become Amy, wife and mom of one. But then came number two and I lost the previous self again. Because now I am mom of two and that changes me. More littles to think about. More names to whisper in my prayers each night. More worries, more love given. I am no longer the Amy I was.
And again, I’m going through the same process currently and the same feelings as before. I am losing myself in order to become who I need to be for Willow. I am not the girl I once was and for the first time I feel like it’s okay, and it’s right. I have to lose myself to become the new me, wife, and mom of now 3.
I am in a process of refining and redefining who I am now. Not who I was last year or even 4 months ago. And it is a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. It takes some tears and prayers and “coming to Jesus” moments.
It is a challenging and draining season. It is uncomfortable and it is stretching me. But, third time is a charm I guess, because this time I’m not resisting it. I am seeking the Lord on who I am now. The Amy He wants me to be now that I have a daughter. I have a little girl who is going to look at me as her hero. I have things that I need to fix inside of me so I don’t screw her up. I have to learn how to be a mom to a girl who I will raise to be a woman. I need to change.
It is not really my favorite season. But although it is hard, it is so necessary. I cannot resist this transformation. Either I learn to grow and change or I’ll be whiny and discontent and continually looking to the past.
So, for that reason, I am taking a break from writing for a while. I need to get to know myself as I am now. I am not the girl I was when I started this blog 16 months ago, and I can’t keep writing until I find myself again. I have to get to know the Amy I have become and am still becoming. I am excited to get to know her…. so goodbye for a season, I will be back, but I’m not sure when…. xoxo